Perhaps I am in a new stage in my development….I have been trying to write consistently since I started this web site.
Rather than worry too much about quality I decided the first step was to put a lot of words on the page. ….pretty much any words. I was excited …I felt liberated …words of all sorts seemed to pop up like rabbits. "I can write," I thought, "really write!"
Then disaster struck.
I began to question myself.
“There are words …lots of them ......but are they any good?" I asked, ”Do I really believe in what I have written?"
“Pathos! I need pathos! ” I continued.
“And make sure you have some depth and meaning,” another voice in my head added.
“It needs to be entertaining yet thought provoking,” I went on.
“Yea, and none of this stupid stuff about your childhood!”
“You are not conveying the grandeur of art!” I said.
“Its silly, mundane, and it has no soul”
As you can see talking to myself is not easy.
I once had a therapist who wanted to charge me double his usual rate.
This noise in my head started to have serious repercussions.
It was really slowing me down. I decided I must study the great works of literature again, hoping I suppose, that some of it will rub off on me.
It is not easy to read Milton and then to write crap.
Night after night I have written something, then decided it was unworthy.
Several times I “accidentally” erased what I had written.
“Is this some form of self-sabotage?” I thought. “Or do I need to change the settings on ‘Word’. ”
Eight days ago it all ground to a halt. I could not write another word.
“ I can’t do this anymore” I thought, “at least not until I get a book contract and can hire a beautiful private secretary.”
Slowly I have brought myself back from the precipice. I have begun to rebuild my self-esteem and sense of self worth.
I have decided to tell the demons that have been torturing me to “go to hell” or at least spend more time in Vegas.
I started small at first ….. keeping a daily journal:
Tuesday: 8:00 AM till 4:00 PM: …. Bemoaned my fate.
Wednesday: 6:30 PM: …purged toxins with French Fries and Ice Cream. (no fresh juice handy)
Thursday 3:00 PM: attended seminar on “Doom”
Saturday 4:00 AM: had major revelation …..
4:30 AM: realized revelation should be multiplied not divided.
5:45 AM: Realized things are much worse than I thought.
This allowed me to accentuate the positive.
Gradually I have come out of my slump.
I share this with you now as this experience has made me realize what is really important in life.
I have decided I want to devote the rest of my life to helping others.
I really need my own TV show in order to do this and I’m hoping someone knows an agent. I have a whole series of books and seminars outlined in order to help people. If necessary I will start small with helpful articles in magazines.
Until some of this falls into place I have decided to go back to just putting words on the page.
Questioning myself is not a good use of my time.